Hard
by vampbirch
Summary: Another raunchy ridiculous one-shot by Vampiregirl93. It's "touch it. I dare you" and "you always give me a boner. In my heart." Edward takes some pills, but they're not what he thought they were. Mature readers only.


**Hard**

 **AN: I honestly don't know what possessed me to write this disgusting story. I'm pretty disappointed with myself. It's shit. Enjoy.**

 **Disclaimer: SM owns. I just like to mess with the characters :)**

 **PLEASE DON'T READ THIS IF YOU'RE UNDER 18.**

* * *

 _Bella_

I haven't _always_ had a problem with Alice Brandon. In high school, I always thought she was sweet. Sometimes she sat with us at lunch, but she didn't really say much. I should've known she'd turn out to be a whore _._

 _It's always the silent ones._

I groan to myself. "That nasty bitc—"

"Bella," Edward saunters into the kitchen with a sock on his schlong, and I cringe away from him. His face falls for a second, as if he's disappointed in my reaction. "What?"

I gag a little. I can't help it. His thighs are so pasty, his legs are so hairy. Don't get me wrong, I love everything about my man. He's sexy as hell. But his thighs and pubes are the last thing I want to see this early in the morning, so he really needs to put some fucking clothes on before I puke. "Why don't you have pants on?"

"I never have pants on."

I roll my eyes before averting my gaze back to the computer. I take a shaky breath, feeling the anger inside boiling over. "Alice is a cum guzz—"

"So listen to this," Edward takes a seat at the kitchen table, sans underwear. I wince at the thought of his sweaty ass sticking to the nice laminate wooden chairs Charlie bought for me at a garage sale last summer. "I have a boner, and it won't go away."

 _You've got to be kidding me._

I ignore him and scroll through Alice's page, trying to figure out how this girl's self-respect went out the window. Isn't her dad a priest?

"Bella, my dick is so hard right now."

I really don't get it. Why does she post these pictures of her sucking face with all these guys? She thinks she's popular. Sure, she's popular. Because she's a thirsty—

"Just look at my cock, Bella."

I groan, tearing my eyes away from the computer to check out Edward's man meat. It looks like a hard cock, covered by my Hello Kitty tube sock. "What's wrong with it?" I ask, eyeing it closer to humor him. "Touch it."

"That's just it, I can't touch it."

I suppress an eye roll. "Ed, if you want a beej, just say so," I smirk. "I'll stop cyberstalking long enough to slob on the knob."

Edward scoffs aloud, rolling his eyes at me as if I've offended him. I go back to my stalking. "Bella, I've tried it already."

"Hmm?" I ask.

I swear, it looks like Alice is making out with my old chemistry teacher in this picture. She's got three pictures on her profile page. In each one she's kissing some dude.

"I've tried choking the chicken."

She's never used to be like this. Who the fuck flipped her skank switch?

"We don't have any chicken."

We used to be good friends. I didn't always not like her. I just don't like it when girls post pictures of themselves kissing their boyfriends. Do you know how uncomfortable that makes people? Nobody gives a fuck about your lip-lock with whoever's flavor of the week. But now I kind of wonder about her… why did we ever stop talking?

"Bella, no. I'm talking about pounding the meat."

I always thought she'd end up at some crazy, high-end job, making a thousand dollars an hour. Whore-dom really did her in. I'm not even trying to hate, I'm just calling it like I see it. Facebook tells more about people than they think. I see Alice's true colors shining through.

"We'll just go to KFC tonight."

I kind of wonder if she'd be better off if we were still friends. Or would she have dragged me on the skank train with her? Would I be with Edward, still?

Yeah, he'd love me anyway.

"Bella!" I tear my eyes away from my computer, looking at the boyfriend warily. "I think I took some serious blue bombers this morning."

I furrow my eyebrows in confusion. "Huh?"

"Limp-dick pills," he widens his eyes at me, as if to say _'wake up, dumbass'_. "You know—the Mycoxaflaccid pills."

" _Viagra_?" I ask, giving him my full attention. "Edward, baby, what the fuck? Why would you take those? You have to be at work in like, twenty minutes."

"I know!" he screams, flailing his arms around like a bird with no direction.

"Why would you do something so stupid?!" I scream, because I'm filled with questions and no solutions at this time.

"I didn't _mean_ to," his voice reaches girly-octaves, and I try to listen and not judge as he goes on. "I woke up with a killer headache and I went into the medicine cabinet and I didn't look—I think Emmett was stashing some boner pills in the Advil bottle!"

" _No_ ," I feel my eyes go wider than bottle caps, my voice deepening. "You think he has a problem?"

Edward blanches. "What?"

"You know, like he's got a limp brisket…?" I try not to concern myself with my brother's personal life too much, but maybe this is a cause for concern. My brother has a very active sexual life. If it's possible to use up all your jerk-slots, Emmett's probably punched all the holes in on his cards already. "Ed, what if he's got ED?"

Edward looks to the ceiling, his lips moving rapidly as if to say a silent prayer. He releases a disheartening sigh and looks at me. "Emmett does not have erectile dysfunction. And stop calling me Ed, or this relationship is over."

"Why the peen pills, then?" I start typing in the search engine. Google is a fucking godsend. "How many did you take?"

"Um… fuck, I don't know. Three, I think. Yeah, three."

"Shit… um… okay, don't freak out, but we should probably get you to the hospital," I stand up abruptly, taking my computer with me. "It says your blood pressure could drop, Ed. Do you feel weird? Are you having any chest pains?"

He looks at me like I've got a dick on my forehead. "What? No. I feel like I've got a hard dick that won't deflate."

I purse my lips. "Are you sure—"

"Bella, I'm not sure! All I know is that my cock is hard, and there's Viagra in the cabinet."

I nod. "Did you try to…" I make the universal 'whacking off' gesture, and cusp my invisible penis.

"Yes, I've tried," he looks down at the peen with one of the saddest faces I've ever seen. "Three times."

I frown too, sad that I missed it. _I'm a freak_. "Why didn't you tell me? I could've—"

"You've been stalking Alice Brandon for the last half-hour!" He yells over me.

I cross my arms over my chest in disbelief. "You tried to jack off three times in a half an hour?"

He smiles slightly, like he's kind of proud of himself. "It was like riding a broken rollercoaster I couldn't get off of. Which sucks, because I used up all of your Jergens and I've got a serious case of carpel tunnel going on," he tries to show me his hand, and I shove it back down.

"You used all of my Jergens?!" I scream.

He nods slowly, pursing his lips. He gestures towards his meat with one hand, tugging at the end of the sock. "Now my dick smells like an old lady. It's kind of nice actually. It usually smells like—"

"Edward, we need to get you to the hospital," I go into the next room to find him some clothes. I start digging into his drawers for some sweats. He follows me in and crosses his arms over his chest, his dick shaking his head at me in disapproval. Kidding. "This isn't funny. This is a serious problem—you could die."

I start to hyperventilate. I can't lose Edward.

"Babe, I'm not protesting, but…" he gestures towards his situation. "None of my sweats will fit. I tried."

"What about Emmett's?" I ask, shutting the drawer to make my way over to my brother's room. I don't even knock, knowing his lard ass is sleeping right now.

He is. So is his girlfriend. "Bella, calm down—"

"You limp dick lard motherfucker!" I grab the nearest object and chuck it at Emmett's forehead. His snore catches in his throat, but he doesn't move. The deodorant falls to the floor.

"Bella, baby, calm down," Edward's voice is soothing, always the angelic voice of reason in my chaotic life. I shake my head vehemently, unable to fathom what's probably going on in my man's body right now.

I feel so panicked right now. I'm going to kill Emmett. He has a problem. A sex addiction. I'm going to beat the shit out of him. I'm going to rip his—

"Sh, shh," Edward wraps his arms around me. "Baby, calm down."

He runs his hands along my back in a soothing gesture, humming in my ear lowly to get me to calm down. I relax into his embrace, reveling in the comforting warmth him and his hard ding-dong on my stomach provide in this distressful situation. "I'm so scared—"

"Calm," he reminds me, pulling back enough space to kiss me on the lips. I whimper slightly… it's a reflex reaction. I can't help it, I get hot when he tries to comfort me. "Let's get this monster caged, and we'll go to the hospital. I feel fine, Bella. A little dizzy, but I think it's wanking vertigo."

I swallow down the nausea in my throat and break into Emmett's chest of drawers for some pants. "Try these," I throw a pair of navy blue sweats I know Em doesn't give a fuck about to him. He slips them on. Okay, he tries to slip them on. He has to stretch them over the cock first, then he ties the drawstring around two times.

My brother doesn't even stir, and neither does his lazy ass girlfriend.

"Ugh," he flinches, reaching into his pants. "I'm suffocating."

I nod slowly, biting my lip in contemplation. "Just suffer through it until we get to the hospital, okay?"

He nods and allows me to take his hand.

* * *

"Everybody is staring at my cock," Edward sinks lower in the vinyl hospital chair, making his erection all the more prominent. I frown down at the boyfriend, wishing I could make all of this better. I would usually cheer him up with a blowjob, but… " _Holy_. Fucking. _Shit._ "

"What?" I feel my heart bottom out in my stomach, consumed by my nagging anxiety that he's going to die at any second.

He's staring straight ahead, not answering me.

"Babe," I shake him, trying to get him to snap out of it. "What is it?"

"There's no way."

"What?!" I yell, trying to gain his attention. "Did you… did you… jizz yourself?"

His head snaps to me, eyebrows knitted together in confusion. "What? Bella, no, look," he grabs me by the chin and forces me to look straight ahead.

I feel my jaw drop and my eyes bug out of my head when I see what he's talking about.

It's her.

Oh, my god. It's _her._

Alice Brandon is standing behind the receptionist's desk in a white lab jacket with a tablet in her hands, seemingly engrossed in whatever Pamela the Proposed Penis Professional is telling her. Edward takes my hand and squeezes my fingers. He opens his mouth, but his words come out in a choppy whisper. "Is… this… what she… does?"

In all honesty, I don't even know. In all my days of stalking her, I was too busy checking out her whore-shots to really care about what she does for a living. It's like karma is coming up to bite me in the ass, or Edward's dick. I'm struggling to make the connection here. So Alice volunteers at the free health clinic by day, but she's a skank by night?

"No," I shake my head. "We're not—"

"Bella—" I interrupt him.

"I don't want her touching your penis," I uncross my legs to stand up. "We need to go to another hospital."

Edward catches my hand.

"Bella," He hisses at me, like a fucking snake. "I'm not getting out of this _fucking_ chair unless it's absolutely necessary, you hear me? My cock is so hard that it fucking hurts, Bella. It _hurts._ I'm this close to crying," he holds up his thumb and forefinger. I see his eyes are a bit glossy. "This close. Now if you don't sit your ass down and shut your fucking mouth, we're going to have some big fucking problems. I don't know what yet, but you'll be pissed. I'll break your laptop. I'll pour all your Yoo-Hoos down the drain. I'll never have sex with you again, unless you sit down and hold my hand like you're supposed to!"

I feel my chin wrinkle and my bottom lip quivers. I immediately drop down in my seat beside him and take his hand. I feel terrible for being such a brat. "I'm sorry."

He's quiet for a few seconds, but he manages to answer me with a disdainful nod. "Me too. I didn't mean to snap at you like that."

My tears start falling anyway. "I love you."

"I love you, too, baby," he squeezes my hand.

I nod and rest my cheek on his shoulder. After a moment's passed, I lift my head. "You wouldn't really pour my Yoo-Hoos down the drain, would you?"

He looks me in the eye for a minute, rubbing his thumb across my cheek. "I would never want to cause you that much pain, Bella," he runs his thumb over my quivering lip and nods. "You know I didn't mean it. Give me a kiss."

I nod back at him, unable to contain my smile as I reach around his neck to pull his head in for a kiss. I don't even hesitate, I shove my tongue down his throat. He moans and tugs on my hair, knows I like it rough. I'd straddle his lap right now if he'd let me.

"Edwin Anthony Cullen," a soft voice calls. I break away from the kiss with an audible smacking sound as Edward groans out.

 _"Motherfuckers it's EDWARD!_ " He roars, looking like he could kill a bitch. I rub my fingers over his biceps to soothe him, watching as his muscles tense and ripple beneath that fucking muscle tee. My god…

"My apologies, Edward," the woman wearing Pepto-pink scrubs comes over to us. "Do you need a wheelchair?"

Edward furrows his eyebrows and looks at me. "Is she serious?"

I nod. "Baby, you should probably take the wheelchair."

"Why?" he asks, looking towards the shorty in the scrubs. "Are you gonna have to cut my dick off? Be straight with me—"

"Sir, I don't think that will be necessary. Would you mind lowering your voice, just a little? The other patients are very sick."

"Oh, I doubt these motherfuckers feel as bad as I do right now."

A bald man with a bloody rag to his nose leans forward on my left. "He's probably right about that. Sorry, bro."

Edward nods, saluting his fellow stranger male. "Alright, fine. I'll take the fucking wheelchair."

* * *

"Stop touching it," I slap his hand away from his thighs. "Does it itch? Are you sure you're not dizzy? You don't feel—"

"Bella," his jawline hardens, looking straight ahead. "Please, sit the fuck down and stop asking me questions. I'm fine."

They have Boyfriend in a paper gown while we wait for the doc to come in. I don't want to sound like an ungrateful bitch or anything, but I'm really not looking forward to Alice Brandon investigating my man's junk. This will be the first time we've seen this girl in seven years, and she's getting her hands on Edward's dick already.

"How many peens do you think she's touched, outside of her profession?" I ask stupidly.

"You're making me so sad," Edward rubs his stomach, like this information doesn't sit right with him. "I don't want to think of her as a whore. She was so sweet, you know? I always thought she'd be married by now. Maybe with a couple of kids. At least she's rich though, with the doctor thing going on. You can't have it all."

I nod too, sadly. A thought occurs to me then. _Would I rather be rich?_ No. So I tell him, "I'd rather have you than a million dollars."

Edward's beautiful face breaks out into a brilliant smile. "Baby," his eyes get a little glossy as he takes my hand. "You would? That's so sweet," he gulps. "I'd rather be rich."

I feel my face fall as a knock comes at the door. _Why the hell would someone knock at a doctor's office? It's not like we're trying to get our freak on in here, and he's obviously not decent._

Alice Brandon appears in the doorway, and I feel my jaw drop while I scope her out for the second time. This girl is fine as fuck. She's still a little short, but who wouldn't want to shove their tongue down her throat? Girl's filled out since high school.

Alice extends her hand to Edward. "Edward, I believe we've met. I'm Dr. Brandon."

Edward looks like a shy little boy for a second, before he thrusts his hand out to shake hers. "Hi Alice, it's good to see you again." Bashful takes his hand back and looks to me for direction, like I'm his mother and I need to explain what's up.

This is my life.

"Bella," Alice smiles in greeting, but her eyes seem a little too hard for my liking. Maybe she knows I've been cyber-stalking her.

"Edward thinks he took some boner pills and that's why he can't get un-hard," I blurt out. I feel my cheeks burst into flames, and I fold my arms over my midsection. "I'm worried that he's going to die."

"Oh," Alice's eyes go wide. "Yes, I see. Um," she licks her lips, looking at Edward. Was that an advance? Bitch is thirsty for my man's- "Okay, I just need you to answer a couple of questions for me before we take some blood."

I nod.

She takes a seat in the swivel chair that all doctor's offices seem to have the same of, and rolls the loud ass thing over so that she's directly between my man's thighs.

I wait for her to look at it.

 _Look at it, bitch,_ I dare her with my eyes. _Look at it._

Homegirl keeps her eyes on her tablet as she asks Edward some basic questions about his medical history, his allergies, and his symptoms. She types in just as quick as he answers, nodding her head, but never once checking out the goods.

"Okay," she sighs out, meeting my eyes. "Have you two tried to relieve the situation on your own?"

I furrow my brows at her. Relieve the situation?

" _Have you had sex_?" she elaborates.

 _Oh._ "He used up all my Jergens."

I watch as a smile twitches on her lips and she struggles to keep it contained.

 _How unprofessional._

It's in this moment that I decide that I like Alice.

"Yeah," Edward sighs aloud, puffing his cheeks out. I rub his back, feeling the distress radiating off of him. "It was fun for the first twenty minutes, but my dick started to get cold from all the lotion. So I put a sock on it." My poor Hello Kitty sock, must have been petrified of the peen.

"You should have told me," I whisper. "I would have tried to help…"

He looks at me and nods slowly. "I didn't want to bother you. You were so busy stalking Al—fred," he stutters over his words, and I feel my eyes go wide. I look to Alice. She doesn't notice, doesn't give a fuck. "No. I haven't."

She nods, typing in whatever on her little tablet. "How long has the erection lasted?"

He squints his eyes, as if he can think better with squinty vision. "Um… about two hours."

She finally looks at the peen, and I wait to gauge her reaction. "You probably shouldn't be _too_ worried quite yet. Usually in cases such as these, the manufacturer of drugs like Cialis or Sildenafil suggest you seek out a professional with an erection lasting longer than four hours," she sets her tablet down and reaches for the gloves.

Fuck no.

"So that's a good sign," she smiles. She advances towards us, and I feel Edward stiffen beside me. I grab his hand. _Touch it, bitch,_ I think. _I dare you._ "I am going to check your blood pressure one more time, because it's important we monitor it in cases like this."

We both sigh out in relief.

Alice does have to check out the peen, put she doesn't actually touch it. Bashful is embarrassed and scared, so I hold his hand while she scopes out the D. She also draws Edward's blood, but he gets a badass batman Band-Aid and a sucker which he immediately pops into his mouth because he hasn't ate yet today.

The peen is only semi-hard by the time Boyfriend's bloodwork comes back, so Alice tells us that we should wait it out, or that we should come back if he's still sporting wood in three hours. She tells us to keep pressure, meaning tight pants, off the dick to avoid irritation. She advises Edward not to take drugs like these for recreational purposes, and never to mix them with alcohol, like we were just doing this at ten in the morning to party.

"I don't see any reason to be alarmed. Your vitals look good." I try not to look skeptical, but… Alice is sketchy. "I think you'll be just fine."

Edward looks humiliated.

"Thanks, Alice," she tries to shake my hand, but I go in for a hug instead. _Keep my enemies closer._

* * *

"You know, I think there's a lesson behind all of this fuckery."

I look up from my phone, giving Edward my full attention. "Go on."

He removes the gel pack from his crotch and scoots closer to me on the couch. "First of all, we should probably check our judgement. I think it's fair to say," he gives me a wary look. "We're a little o _ff_ sometimes, Bella."

I set my phone in my lap, nodding my head in agreement.

 _It's the truth._

"Second," he puffs his cheeks out, shaking his head. "Your brother and his girlfriend have a problem, Bella. They should seek help, because there is so much Viagra stashed in the bathroom medicine cabinet that it would make Hugh Hefner shudder. It can't be healthy to have so much sex. I'm worried."

I nod too. "I agree. We'll host an intervention."

He rubs the tips of his fingers over my cheeks, looking me in the eyes. "Third... you _need_ to get over this obsession you have with Alice Brandon. You're a stalker. I know you guys were friends in the third grade and you thought it was forever, but some people aren't cutout for friendships."

"Whores aren't cutout for friendships-"

He cuts me off, placing a finger on my lips. "And that's okay, because that's her choice."

I sigh aloud, grabbing his hand from my cheek. "Okay. I'll stop stalking her Facebook."

He nods, rubbing circles into my palm. "And her Tumblr."

"And her Tumblr," I agree reluctantly.

"Instagram too."

"No," I say instantly.

Edward drops my hand, crossing his arms over his chest.

"Fine," I cave.

He nods. "I have faith in you, Bella."

I smile back. "I love you."

A breathtaking smile spreads across his face. "I love you too. And I'll never need Viagra with you... You always give me a boner. In my heart."

I get tears in my eyes. "A heart on."

He nods. "An affection erection."

* * *

 **I don't know why but I kind of want to host an intervention for Emmett...**


End file.
